Marking A Strange Anniversary

This feels like a strange thing to share with the world, or whoever reads this at any rate. I mean, society would say this is private and should be kept to myself. It's hardly a milestone you want to advertise. However, I've walked this journey out loud for any who would listen (on Facebook) and had many people tell me how encouraged they've been by my journey, by my openness and vulnerability. When you're transparent about struggles and stop curating things quite so much, when you allow people to see the real you, the real day-to-day for you, some find freedom to stand a little taller, to speak up when they otherwise might have stayed quiet; and others realize they're not as alone as they feel.

At least, that's what I've been telling myself.

This month marks 5 years with my current psychologist/therapist/counsellor.

At least twice a month (excepting vacations, holidays, etc.) for five years. We took a brief break during C because ... *deep breath* Well, initially because he was required to have clients wear masks and I couldn't. But, he very soon got the online counselling up and running and so it was only a break of a couple of months - maybe three.

What's Worth Celebrating?

This is a notable anniversary for me because I struggled for more than ten years to find a counsellor I could trust and work with long term. I have had a couple of bad experiences with biblical counsellors. And a good experience with a biblical counsellor that was cut short because of finances (he wasn't covered by my insurance plan due to a requirement for a particular set of qualifications).

The two bad experiences were well meaning people who were just in over their head and unwilling to admit it. I have a rather complex mental health condition and require specialized care. I would have been better off being directed to that care, or at least had them admit their limitations from the beginning. If I had a critique of biblical counsellors, that would be it. Some things are resolved and made better by a sympathetic ear, good advice, and prayer. There are a lot of things that aren't and those limitations should be acknowledged.

When I finally acknowledged that I needed help (the suicide ideation was progressing to something more alarmingly concrete), I opened up the Psychology Today website and narrowed down my selection to my city, and the required credentials needed by insurance, and the particular specialty I needed -- I was left with maybe a dozen choices. (Obviously this was pre-C since finding mental health support is so hard to find now.) I scrolled through the photos and one profile kept standing out to me. I heard God say - that one. And I said NOPE. I wanted a female.

God kept prodding. So I gave in and emailed that counsellor who slotted me in for the next week, and in our first session discovered that we shared our faith. He is secularly trained, but has a deep personal faith. He doesn't share Scripture, we don't pray together, he doesn't advise on spiritual matters at all, but I can speak frankly about that part of my life and am not met with skepticism or condescension. It hasn't been easy. It was a full year before I trusted that this counsellor was on MY side, wanted what was best for ME. That felt strangely new. So, this is also a celebration of listening to God's leading and seeing Him direct that part of my journey. Maybe God is on my side too?

Why This Is A Sad Anniversary

Part of me is grieving this anniversary, because I wanted to be "healed" by now. I stepped willingly into this journey because I believed there would be an end. I was sure that if I followed God's leading and did the work, I would be healed -- either through hard heart work or a miracle. And neither of those things have happened. Is life easier? Yes and no. I have learned how to manage things better rather than constantly having my thoughts and emotions hijacked by the past. I'm less-often surprised by flashbacks and panic attacks, though they still happen. The management is a rather constant thing and is definitely imperfect. The strategies help. But... I'm still broken.

Yes yes -- there's going to be someone here who says you're not "broken," you're wounded and in need of healing. I prefer broken. But -- I also know God can still use broken things.

This anniversary has forced me to acknowledge that there's no going back to what I was before my mental health dove off a cliff. There's no restoring "my old self" which, if I'm honest, is what I've been holding out for. There's some grieving to do there. It's important for me to manage my expectations (and outside of a miracle which I believe absolutely could happen), I just don't think it's helpful to make restoring my old self a goal.

So if all I have to work with is the energy levels I have now, the few and between good thinking days -- what does that mean? What goals, plans, do I need to revise or simply give up on? Some things can just take longer, but some things might never happen. I'm not the same person. I need to leave room to discover what new direction I'm being called to, led to, finding a passion for. All things I'm praying through and considering at the moment.

So What Now?

First, I wanted to just tip my hat to those paddling leaky boats and bailing water to stay afloat; to those who are struggling with a new reality that's limiting what they can do, how much they can do, and reevaluating deeply held dreams and plans. God is directing us down a new path and so we have a choice in how we handle that. We can be bitter and angry, or we can choose to rejoice, be thankful, and take whatever the next step looks like instead. Hard? Absolutely. Heartbreaking, in fact. But, I am thankful that I was forced to learn prior to this journey that my value does not reside in what I can do, or even what I have done.

So, if what I have is today, what does that look like?

Second, I've made a conscious commitment to do one thing every day that brings me joy. It might take me five minutes, it might take me two hours, it might be the whole day. But one thing that brings joy, that brings rest, that points me back to God and thankfulness. Amidst the shoulds and have-tos, find that five or fifteen minutes for you. It honestly has made a world of difference.

Third, I've found myself (unintentionally) spending time reading about spiritual disciplines over the last three months. It started out as a book that had landed on my TBR pile earlier in the year, recommended by others on a Twitter thread I'd stumbled onto. I really didn't know anything about this book "Invitation To A Journey" by Robert Mulholland other than it was highly recommended. I've only just recently got round to reading it. And now my church is going through the book "A Celebration Of Discipline" by Richard Foster.

I've been trying to intentionally build in contemplation and/or meditation into my day. It doesn't happen every day, but my goal is to have it be a part of my normal routine. This practice is life-giving. I strongly encourage you to do some research into spiritual disciplines. Even if you only pick up one and incorporate into your spiritual practices regularly, you'll be blessed by this.

Finding Hope

Focus on what is true. God will meet you where you are. He's not waiting where you used to be. He's not waiting ahead on the path for you to achieve or attain this or that before He can use you. He's right here. Right now.

Just surrender your present reality to Him. Here I am, Lord. Use me. He knows your limitations, but God isn't limited. If He's called you to something, wait. He'll equip you for that work. It might look a little different than you expect. It might require some humility. It might just be the most joyous and fulfilling season of your life, if you let it.

Here are some songs that I've spent time with at various parts in this five year journey that have helped, that have given words to emotions. I put them on repeat -- sometimes for weeks at a time. Because I've desperately needed their message to sink into my head and heart, for the truth they speak to be real.

Love Broke Thru - TobyMac

Head Above Water - Avril Lavigne

Brave - Moriah Peters

Dear Younger Me - MercyMe

Keep fighting. It's worth it.